Monthly Archives: January 2015
Oh—-my—-God. I’m in the process of a MASSIVE clean-out of BIBLICAL proportions and I came across one of my English books from 1972. So…. I’m 14 years old – the same age as my son is now – and have written a poem. It’s a corker. You will understand why when you read it but in its innocence, it also sadly underlines how far the world has come in these 40 years or so when sexting and oral sex by kids as young as 13 is neither uncommon nor infrequent. With your indulgence, I present:
Beware of boys with wandering hands,
give them a good slap.
Beware of a boy with a long, dirty tongue,
he’s just a great big sap.
Beware of boys who take a mile
when all you’ve offered is but a smile.
You can put them in their place –
slow and steady wins the race.
Sure, go out and have some fun.
If it’s with a boy, there’s no harm done.
The nice ones brighten up your day.
They make you happy, content and gay.
But even so – be on your guard
’cause if you fall, you’ll fall hard.
But you know what? At its core, it’s bloody good advice. Have a great weekend everyone.
My ex-pat friend based in Los Angeles recently wrote a piece describing what she misses about Australian food and even though I’ve been back from Atlanta for 13 years, there are still things I miss about America; the things that always seem to come up in conversation with either my husband or other people and that make me quite nostalgic for the good ol’ U S of A. So, in no particular order:
SERVICE: Great service. All the time. Across the board. Can you even imagine a land where …. service providers, repairmen, furniture deliverers and all others of their ilk give you a three-hour window and actually turn up IN THAT WINDOW?
…. Sales Assistants not only acknowledge you but ask “May I help you with something?” rather than “Are ya right?” which comes only after they’ve finished chatting to each other about what-evah, then looking stunned to discover a customer actually in the store. (Is it so wrong to want to stab them in the eye with a coat hanger?)
…. whole cities have Department Stores that don’t consider staff an optional extra, unlike Sydney where they’re like the Yeti – lots of rumoured sightings but no confirmation of actual existence and
…. restaurants don’t mistake you for Linda Blair’s eye-bulging, head-swivelling possessed person because you’ve been trying for 20 futile minutes to catch a waiter’s eye for more water or the dessert menu or the bill.
BUFFALO WINGS & HASH BROWNS: Americans can’t make coffee and Australians can’t make hash browns. It seems the fewer the ingredients, the more unpalatable you can make something. Yes, you can get good coffee in America but it’s made by Australians so chances are, there are Americans in Australia turning out delicious hash browns but I’ve yet to come across them. Who knew there was so much room for error mixing potatoes, egg and flour? So far, I’ve only tasted the ones that are either crisp enough to pass as cornflakes or so stodgy you could mortar bricks with them. In America, even the diviest of dives will present you with a perfectly cooked, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside jagged serve of potato goodness.
Same goes for Buffalo Wings – which, if you don’t already know – are actually chicken wings and are called what they are in the US because they were invented in Buffalo, New York. Don’t say you never learn anything from my ramblings. Anyway… it’s the paprika that gives them that disturbing orange colour but what I wouldn’t give for a little Trekkie technology to be able to beam myself into Atlanta’s ‘Three Dollar Café’ for a plateful. You have a choice of mild, medium or losing feeling in the lower part of your face. All good.
TURNING RIGHT (our LEFT) ON RED: Everywhere. Yes, we can do it here but only on 17 random intersections (OK, I made that number up) in random suburbs on roads that cover an urban area of roughly 12,000 square kilometres. If you don’t know why Sydney-siders would give up their first-borns to the Roads and Traffic Authority for making this a blanket practice then you obviously don’t drive in Sydney. But wait, there’s more. It also gives people less of a chance to fiddle with their phones – which is what everyone does at red lights…admit it.
OUTLET MALLS: The Stepford Wives of retail. (For those of you totally oblivious to the reference, you youngsters you, “The Stepford Wives” was a 1975 sci-fi movie in which all the wives living in a small town called Stepford, looked and behaved the same, you know, like the Eastern Suburbs here. Ignore the Nicole Kidman 2004 re-make and watch the original.) So what I’m saying is that every Outlet Mall looks almost the same. You can probably pick them out from the air. Rows and rows and rows of stores. But the savings are SERIOUS. Even designer pieces can be slashed by 85%. Sydney’s Birkenhead and DFO are less-than-pale imitations because when I see them touting HUGE SAVINGS because something has been reduced by 25%, I want to laugh hysterically and tell them to look up the word “clueless” in the dictionary. I understand Australian retailers are working with a population of 23 million rather than 317,000 million, thus, incredibly less volume and competition but this won’t stop me from taking an empty suitcase to Honolulu in August when I hit the Waikele Premium Outlets running.
WHOLEFOODS & THE WAFFLE HOUSE: Wholefoods is a one-stop, pesticide and preservative-free nirvana for anyone organically inclined. It aims to carry as many minimally processed foods as possible ranging over every food group but also stocks supermarket staples such as laundry supplies and cosmetics. They have my undying love and gratitude because due to their range of organic baby food, I didn’t have to peel, puree or pulverise a single fruit or vegetable when my son was a baby. And when you’d finished your shopping, there was a pre-prepared food section with seating and a microwave for a quick bite before hauling everything home. Again, the mitigating factor is population so it was only minimally more expensive than regular supermarkets. Unfortunately that is far from the case here and I’m not that invested to pay the sometimes, exorbitant difference.
At the other end of the scale is The Waffle House which would be what most people think of as a Greasy spoon, a colloquial term coined in the USA for a small, cheap restaurant or diner that typically specialises in fried foods and can I say, Amen to that! They are the most basic of eateries – an open kitchen, a counter , seating and a jukebox and the one I really, really miss. Open 24 hours, my husband and I would usually stop there late at night on the way home from somewhere and within minutes of ordering, I would have been served my plate of perfectly cooked eggs, sunny-side up, hash browns and toast. The menu is quite extensive and if you ever visit and see that iconic yellow sign, don’t judge a book by its cover – it’s the quintessential short-order experience.
Unfortunately, the fact America is bat-crap crazy about guns constantly garners all the attention but I’m sure many of you have either visited or lived there and have brought home your own favourites. I would love to hear about them.
Dear Mr Zuckerberg I can’t thank you enough
for giving us Facebook and its frivolous fluff.
From fabulous felines and marvellous memes
to pugnacious puppies and talented teens.
From all the lost animals and those that are saved
to children angelic and badly behaved.
Best friends and selfies
and women with tatts
to worldwide obsession with youtube and cats.
There are sunsets aplenty and landmarks galore
while too many hashtags make some posts a chore.
From talent show prodigies, pratfalls and pranks
to venomous views from various cranks.
From people in clothes they never should wear
with bits better covered, too often laid bare
to special occasions gone horribly wrong
and badly lit videos that last much too long.
There’s food in a restaurant and food cooked at home
food with the many or when you’re alone;
food in the morning, food late at night
It’s hardly surprising our belts are so tight.
From laugh-out-loud funny to “Eewww, that was gross”
For mass over-sharing, nothing comes close.
I love you oh, Facebook though some don’t agree
but I don’t really care ’cause it’s all about me.