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Does Friendship Automatically Bring Forgiveness?

ForgivenWP

I have written before about friendship and how lucky I am to still have friends from a hundred years ago when we were pig-tailed girls in school but friendship can be a delicate construct. I started thinking about this after reading a recent post by a friend about how friendships are maintained and our expectations of them which is how I ended up writing about forgiveness – or not.  As I’m writing this on Good Friday, the topic is a timely one.  With all the hoo-ha surrounding it, non-believers probably think Christmas is the biggest event in the Christian calendar but it isn’t.  Easter is the big kahuna because without Christ’s Resurrection, there would be no reason to follow Jesus as he would have been just another dead rebel.  The whole point is that God sent his Son to forgive our sins and ensure our redemption so the whole concept of forgiveness is a ‘big thing’ and not only in Christianity. Buddhists believe that forgiveness is a critical step towards achieving a peaceful state of being and the Qur’an teaches that forgiveness is a superior moral trait.  “Turn the other cheek.” is the yellow brick road.  “Forgive and forget.”  But what if you can’t.  Forgive.  Or forget.

cs lewis quote

In 2010 I severed a friendship and even five years later I can still feel the disappointment and anger as though it were yesterday.  We don’t do things for our friends expecting to be repaid but I think it’s OK to consider any equal relationship a two-way street.  My friend’s life was always in turmoil.  When she discovered her husband cheating, I consoled her by phone from America, where I was living at the time.  Her next partner had a vengeful, bitter ex-wife so I was a sounding board for her frustrations and copywriter and editor for mountains of correspondence. Despite having a son together, that relationship ended and it was more commiserating and letter-writing as the miserable sod tried shirking his financial responsibilities in any way he could.  I suppose the rot started setting in when, as her son’s godmother, I was asked to be his sponsor at his Confirmation.  To reflect the importance of the occasion and because his mother had mentioned he was becoming interested in photography, I gave him a digital camera.  And this was years ago, before you could get them out of vending machines. I certainly wasn’t expecting a gilt-edged letter of gratitude but I thought I might at least get a phone call…. Nothing, nought, nada, zip, zilch, zero.  Am I belabouring the point?  Not even a bloody cup of tea after the ceremony.  Her choice in men was appalling and the next one was a certified narcissist.  More listening, more commiserating.  Then my father died.  And she sent me a text message.  Some of you will understand exactly why that was the straw that broke the camel’s back while others will wonder why it was such a big deal. It’s hard to put into words how totally let down I felt but there was now a trench in the sand that swallowed forgiveness whole and was never likely to throw it back up.

forgiveness

On the other hand, I have a girlfriend I have known since Kindergarten and I have forgiven her a myriad of transgressions, big and small.  When I became engaged, many moons ago, my American husband’s lawyer recommended that we get married as quickly as possible to start all the paperwork for my move to the U.S. and application for my Green Card so my first wedding was an intimate affair of only 10 people in a divine little stone church.  (We had the bigger, glitzier ceremony two months later so I have two wedding anniversaries – both of which I now manage to forget…..)  S. was supposed to be my bridesmaid and witness but not only was she late, thus missing the entire thing, she had the audacity to be upset because we didn’t wait.  My best gay friend ended up being my bridesman and I was as happy as a pig in mud.  But my husband was furious and where I laughed it off as a memorable part of the day, he did not forgive her for years after finally accepting that I really hadn’t cared and I wasn’t just saying that because we had been friends for so long.  And I think therein lies the difference.  By that time, S. and I had 29 years invested in our friendship.  That’s a lot of secrets and memories and laughter to lose.  It would be like excising great chunks of your past with nothing to fill the holes.

People suffer the most tremendous losses due to violence and yet extend forgiveness to the perpetrators.  They are obviously in some state of grace that I can’t begin to imagine.  The generally accepted position is that without forgiveness, you can’t truly “move on” but in my totally unprofessional yet totally eloquent opinion, I think that’s a load of horse manure.  I believe you can feel sadness, anger, disappointment and a kaleidoscope of other emotions and still lead a “whole” life. Sometimes not “letting it go” is fuel for a fire that changes everything.

forgivemash

It’s complicated.  I’m sure everyone has a story. Wait, is that the time?  Forgive me, I have to run.

 

 

 

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Eulogy for a Mother.

Bonaventure-Cemetery-sculpture

Yesterday I went to a funeral.  A friend’s mother.  She was 88, frail, with dementia.  It’s a bitter pill we have to swallow, aging, but, as the cliché goes, it’s better than the alternative – although perhaps less so towards the end.  As is the way now, there was a slide show of her life.  She was gorgeous – model gorgeous and very fond of dancing – when Sydney still had dance halls.  So hard to pay tribute to a life in half an hour.  My own mother died at 85, frail, with dementia.  She was gorgeous – model gorgeous – with a gap between her front teeth like Lauren Hutton.  When she died I would fall asleep clutching her wedding ring and when my father died three years later, I had his wedding ring fused with hers so I have something visible to hold the invisible.

Most eulogies are a timeline of someone’s life – facts, figures – the skeleton of our years here.  It was a torment deciding what to write about my mother because those final words circle the universe forever and I didn’t want to talk about the skeleton, I wanted to talk about the flesh and bones.  So, once more for you mum because love never ends.

 Mum and me as baby

The danger in writing a eulogy, especially for someone like mum who had such a long life and whom you so love, is that you feel you need to cover everything in their lives to somehow “do them justice” and it can’t be done – not even if you had hours to say what is supposed to be said in these 5 or 10 minutes so I thought to myself, how would I respond if a stranger asked me to describe my mother and only gave me one sentence in which to do it”.

And the amazing thing is, I didn’t even hesitate.  I would simply say, “She was a good woman”.  At face value, you might think it a rather old-fashioned, almost mediocre description but sometimes it is the small, common words that we use all the time – and not always with much thought – that carry the most meaning.

So, here are some definitions from the dictionary for that one seemingly simple word and when you hear them, you will appreciate why it is such a fitting tribute to my mum:

Of high or superior quality                  Worthy of respect, honourable, admirable

Attractive                                                  Competent, skilled

Reliable                                                     Genuine, true

Pleasant, agreeable                                Of moral excellence, upright

Loyal, sympathetic                                 Dependable

Warm-hearted, considerate                 Kind, gentle, gracious

Now before I make her sound too saintly, I must say, she did have a temper but children tend to bring that out in you.  I know this will come as a shock to some of you but I have been known to be a little stubborn and headstrong and for a few years of my life, I thought my name had been changed to “asina”.  For those of you without the benefit of Italian, it means “donkey” or “mule”.

My husband’s favourite memory of my mother is her rather brutally honest observation to him before we got married:  “Daniela’s wonderful as long as she gets her own way and when she doesn’t, she turns into a viper”.  I guess she thought that forewarned was forearmed.

She laughed, loudly and often. She had a dry, wicked sense of humour.  She sang as she did the housework.  She hated cooking.  She loved my father faithfully and unwaveringly for over 52 years and had that love returned.  She was, the most amazing mother, and in her honour, I would like to read a poem entitled, “A Mother’s Love”

A mother’s love determines how We love ourselves and others.

There is no sky we’ll ever see Not lit by that first love.

Stripped of love, the universe Would drive us mad with pain;

But we are born into a world That greets our cries with joy.

How much I owe you for the kiss That told me who I was!

The greatest gift–a love of life– Lay laughing in your eyes.

Because of you my world still has The soft grace of your smile;

And every wind of fortune bears The scent of your caress. ” 

 One day, someone will be talking like this about our lives – make sure you give them a wealth of material to work with.

 wedding rings

Sons vs Daughters. Are you happy?

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“Does every woman secretly crave a daughter?”  Well top marks for an attention-grabbing title for this recent opinion piece in one of our Sunday magazines.  My personal and very articulate response which may or may not have been uttered out loud was – “Ummmm, no, that would be a no”.  But as a mother to one son, I was not really the target market as the women about whom she was writing “had at least two boys but yearned for a daughter”.  You can’t seek gender-selection treatment in either Britain or Australia unless it’s for medical reasons so couples are apparently flocking to US fertility clinics to guarantee that female embryo.  The author cited a UK doctor working in one of America’s largest fertility clinics who admitted to treating 10 British IVF patients a month, all undergoing the procedure solely to select the sex of their baby with 80% opting for a girl.  Even if this were true for every State, I wouldn’t exactly call that “flocking” but with a stated increase of 20% per annum, it’s still a substantial number.

its a girl

So, this is obviously a ‘thing’ but the more I read of the article, the more and more dismayed I became at the proffered explanations.  First and foremost was the idea that girls are more likely to look after us in our old age so, as the parents of a sole male child, my husband and I are utterly screwed…left starving and incontinent because “it’s the girls who will eventually bring around a lasagne and book your medical appointments”.  And you know what – on the whole, this may be true. But as a reason for wanting a daughter, is quite repugnant. It also involves an assumption about the future that’s hopeful, at best. What if she moves overseas? Interstate? What if you become totally estranged? I know a woman who didn’t even find out her mother had died until three years after the fact. Some women actively dislike their mothers and just the other day at a BBQ, one of my friends commented she wouldn’t lose a moment’s sleep if she never saw her mother again. Another friend, whose mother’s mental illness is being successfully managed with medication admits her brother visits their mother more often than she does. And as a mother of both an adult girl and teenage boy, it’s her son who’s always re-assuring her with “Don’t worry Mum. I’ll look after you.”  No-one relishes the prospect of getting old – and less so old and sick – but engineering a daughter on the premise of a guaranteed carer?  While you’re at it, why not try for another in case you ever need a kidney?

doll blonde doll

Moving on, it’s suggested that baby dolls on department store shelves with long hair and pink dresses (reminding us of the dolls we played with as children) are such a potent “cultural influence” that they may be “hardwiring us to crave a soft little girl to nurture”.  Is this woman on crack? The only two dolls I can remember from my childhood were a baby boy dressed in some shade of blue and bald as a badger and a girl  with short brown hair and a multi-coloured dress.  Her language makes me think of the little girls of the 50s with poufy dresses and bows and ribbons in their long, wavy hair.  It may be just me but “soft little girl” is just redolent with other adjectives like “demure, quiet, weak, malleable”.  All the things you don’t want your daughter to be. And what if she doesn’t want to be nurtured? What if she’s Miss Independent from her first vehement “No!!” or wants to be a tom-boy or refuses to wear anything with zippers or buttons for a year which is what happened to one of the mums from my son’s pre-school?  And obviously society has more than a little in common with the author because I remember all the tutt-tutting and disapproval when Angelina Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s daughter Shiloh only wanted to wear boy’s clothes and have her hair cut short.

shiloh pitt                   shiloh-400x470

And so we continue the downward spiral:  Girls are easier to reason with.  I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my muffin.  Meeting other new mothers for coffee, toddler boys destroy the Café whilst girls “crowd around a colouring book for a quiet half-hour”.  I know, right?  S-o-o-o inconvenient. Next time grab a take-away and let them all run riot in the nearest park so you don’t have to worry about your son up-ending “a shelf of neatly stacked bottled water”.  Mothers can relate to how girls play. I, surely, am not the only mother who would much rather have a Nerf battle than sit down for a tea-party with Barbie, Baby Boo-Boo  and Dorothy the Dinosaur.  My son was a “Star Wars” fan (legend) and our light sabre battles were EPIC!!  This gender distinction in play is so stifling.  I remember my son’s pre-school teacher telling me how much the boys loved the dress-up box, donning anything with a bit of bling.  My son was Ariel, the Little Mermaid for a good 6 months when he was 3 or 4 – even donning a mermaid tail although this vision of loveliness was never bestowed upon the general public! One of my friends has a young daughter obsessed with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; another a daughter who rotates her Spiderman costume and Batman cape and there must be thousands more “out there” like them.

teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-winter-clothing

  Just when you thought this paean to gender divide couldn’t get any worse, we get a paragraph that plays into every sitcom depiction of males as simple-minded,  clueless, distracted boofheads: “There can be an unspoken understanding that develops between a mother and daughter that manifests in eye-rolling each time their brother leaps into the house with a half-dead frog or Dad leaves the milk out to warm again.”  Us vs them.  That’s precisely why I would want a girl  – so I could share my supercilious attitude to the men in my life.

And finally, the kicker.  Girls are useful in the kitchen. They want to help, as opposed to their brother who just wants to kick a football around.  Well who could blame him – I’d rather be doing that than being in the kitchen too. The author describes her son as “funny, adventurous, brave, kind and insightful” – wonderful characteristics by anyone’s reckoning. But what is she thankful for? “…for daughters when you’re a harried mother just trying to get through each week with everyone fed, watered and alive.” because they set the table and help prepare dinner without being nagged.

 

kid stirring      kid stirring       kid stirring

I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be a generational thing.  I did a quick survey of my friends who are all in their 40s or 50s. Those with all boys (one with four, another with five), never ‘craved’ a girl; another said it would have been ‘nice’ but didn’t really care; those of us with sole boys actually wanted boys and had we had more children, would have wanted another boy; another said she wouldn’t know what to do with a girl – a common reaction and one that puts paid to the idea we want girls because we “understand” them.  The general consensus was that girls are much harder to raise than boys and that the relationship between a mother and son is much less fraught and complicated but just as deep and satisfying.

Even though I am an only child and had a wonderful, loving relationship with my mother, I never saw myself having a daughter.  My son has yet to “turn”.  At almost-15, he is garrulous, funny, smart, kind, lazy and occasionally, argumentative.  I am still an acceptable companion in public so we go to shows, museums and movies together.  Somehow we managed to avoid the “terrible twos” and yes, he was an active toddler but I never felt “clueless, furious or upset”, as the author would have us believe of mothers of a “male toddler”.  As though the “terrible twos” are restricted to boys.  Tantrums, whining, stubbornness and general envelope-pushing are just as much the preserve of girls and I have several friends who can send videos as proof.

I don’t doubt that a great many women have a deep-seated desire for a daughter but as for every woman craving a daughter? Nah.  Our sons will do us just fine, thanks.

dan&sam    Sam in baseball uniform April 2001

 

 

 

Back to the Future: Me, 1972

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Oh—-my—-God.  I’m in the process of a MASSIVE clean-out of BIBLICAL proportions and I came across one of my English books from 1972.  So…. I’m 14 years old – the same age as my son is now – and have written a poem.  It’s a corker.  You will understand why when you read it but in its innocence, it also sadly underlines how far the world has come in these 40 years or so when sexting and oral sex by kids as young as 13 is neither uncommon nor infrequent.  With your indulgence, I present:

Beware of boys with wandering hands,

give them a good slap.

Beware of a boy with a long, dirty tongue,

he’s just a great big sap.

Beware of boys who take a mile

when all you’ve offered is but a smile.

You can put them in their place –

slow and steady wins the race.

Sure, go out and have some fun.

If it’s with a boy, there’s no harm done.

The nice ones brighten up your day.

They make you happy, content and gay.

But even so – be on your guard

’cause if you fall, you’ll fall hard.

boy kissing girl

But you know what?  At its core, it’s bloody good advice.  Have a great weekend everyone.

 

Sometimes the Universe Knows Better.

Well, as one alcoholic said to the other, “It’s been a long time between drinks.” Since my last post in August, I’ve had lots of ideas and done absolutely nothing about them so I thought I had better redeem myself and get scribbling … so before I get to the point of the whole exercise, a little background information.

I was a bit of a smart chicky-babe at school and earned a scholarship to University with a view to becoming a teacher but after completing my Bachelor’s Degree, I just couldn’t do it. The thought of another year of lectures, study, research and assignments made me ill whereas the thought of travelling the world did not. Serious money needed raising because although I have always been quite happy to go camping and poop in the woods, the idea of schlepping all the way to Europe with my own bed sheet and having to share a hostel room with assorted party animals and snorers was not quite the dream trip I had in mind. So, after three years of tertiary education at one of the State’s finest universities, I put my degree to good use and went off to learn how to be a secretary – or PA (Personal Assistant) if one wants to be PC (politically correct) – which nobody was back then. A little over nine months later I could take shorthand at 120 words a minute (how useful would THAT have been during lectures…) and type…umm…very fast! And that, my dear readers, is how I ended up at Grace Bros and the reunion that sparked this post because not only was it my first job, it was where I fell truly, madly, deeply, deliriously, fiercely in love for the first time. secretary for post

To protect the not-so-innocent and for the sake of this post, let’s just call him Max. If someone had asked me to describe the complete opposite of what I found physically  attractive about a man, he would have been it – shortish, baldish and pretty ‘meh’ in the looks department but he would walk into my office and I would flush hot like a Bunsen burner turned too high. He was a Manager and I worked for his boss so we kept the relationship a secret until one of us left. People were dumbfounded when they found out. Hilarious really, considering we ‘worked back’ almost every night and the occasional Saturday morning so the chances of being caught not actually working, on my boss’s sofa, were reasonably high but it never happened. The secrecy drove me mad but I had to acknowledge the position he was in and his concern that telling our workmates might put our interactions under a scrutiny that neither of us would have welcomed. And my God – all the hedging and evading when people asked what you did over the weekend! “Ohh, you know, movies, seeing friends, usual stuff.” I had ‘vague’ down to an art form. Our subterfuge was so seamless, even when we both requested leave at the same time (to go to Queensland for Expo 88), no-one suspected anything. Honestly, I should have quite the secretarial scene then and there and become a spy. I would have put Mata Hari in the shade.

I’m ashamed to admit that I cannot remember the first time my husband told me he loved me (although I’m fairly certain it would have been over the phone as we were conducting a ‘geographically undesirable’ relationship between Australia and America when the ideas for Skype and FaceTime were, as my late Italian father would so colourfully explain, “ancora nelle palle di San Francesco”…. which delightfully translates to “still up in the balls of St Francis”.) but the scene of Max’s declaration is still as clear as the glorious Sydney summer day on which it was made. We had been lying by   the pool at his mother’s apartment. I was earning a little extra pocket-money by waitressing at a friend’s restaurant so needed to leave late afternoon to get home to shower and change. With the car in reverse, driver’s window down, he said goodbye with the usual “Drive carefully.” followed by the not-usual, “I love you”. To my credit, I did not lose control of the car or squeal or ask him to repeat himself and I have absolutely no recollection of how I responded but I can tell you my heart just about burst and we were heart-stoppingly happy. Three years later it was over and not because the relationship faltered or we stopped loving each other – but that is a post for another time.    crazy-true-love-bubbles-22795960

That was 25 years ago. Now, schedules permitting, we catch up at the annual Grace Bros reunion which is where I saw him last Friday night and it absolutely astounds me, as it has each time we have seen each other, how I can look into his eyes, listen to his voice…. and thank the gods of every nation on earth that we didn’t stay together. I believe it’s described in the vernacular as having “dodged a bullet”. And it’s not that he has changed – it’s just that now I see how incredibly unsuited we were for any long-term commitment. The things that drove me a little crazy when we were dating would have driven me completely demented over the long haul. Characteristics I glossed over when we were living apart would have turned into major obstacles when we were living together. Had we married, I seriously doubt it would have lasted. It does freak me out a little though to feel so dispassionate about this man that I loved so wholeheartedly, so intensely. How can you feel absolutely nothing but a little residual fondness for the person who was your first great, all-consuming love? Truth be told, part of me is a little sad that our encounters don’t have even the teensiest hint of the Mills and Boon about them – no catch of breath, no short, sharp pang of the heart. Not only are there no embers, the fire has been well and truly stomped on and covered over with several thousand kilos of earth.

Just goes to show that Soren Kierkegaard knew what he was talking about when he said   “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”